Men and Conversation...very tricky...

Dear Past Myla,

Love these articles you saved in your gmail few years ago... Kudos, girl! I think I'll be needing this in dealing my boyfriend/fiance for 10 years. 

Love, Present Myla

Get Him to Open Up 

If there's a No. 1 complaint about men, it's that they don't listen. In fact, one Men's Health survey shows that 70 percent of women complain that their men don't listen to them at least some of the time.

To which most guys would reply: "What did you say, hon?" But in defense of my fellow men (and myself), I believe that only half of the fault lies with us. For a guy, talking to us is a lot like making love: We, too, need to be warmed up, and the mood and the time have to be right.

Fact is, your man may be dodging "meaningful" relationship conversations not because he can't stand them or fears them, but because he's just not prepared to talk at the times you approach him.

You can increase your chances of being heard, and earning a response, by maximizing his listening powers and attention span. Here are four ways to achieve that.

Pick the Right Time

To you, his schedule of "important" basketball games and "critical" fantasy baseball planning sessions and "interminable" bathroom time might seem to be crowding out "together" time. But all that may be a sign that he's feeling emotionally overloaded, not emotionally numb.

He needs his down time, just like you do. Maybe even more so. It's long been known that women are more emotionally fluent than guys - more verbal, with more people, on more topics. Guys tend to withdraw, in part because the areas of their brains that process speech and emotion are less fully developed.

All the more reason, then, to schedule your big discussions at smart times. The worst times: In the hour he gets home (he needs to cast off the office demons), right after the kids go to bed (everybody needs a break at that moment), and especially not right after the two of you settle heads on pillows (you need to gentle each other to sleep then, not rile each other up).

Better options: On a walk over the weekend, or over a mug of hot chocolate in the middle part of the evening. Another way of showing him conversational consideration - broach the topic du jour in an afternoon text or email, so he has a chance to think about it a bit before the conversation begins.

Save Heavy Convos for the Car

If you need to have a long, deep discussion - like about the direction of your relationship, or your suspicion that his grandmother is turning into a cat lady - then it seems natural to want to have the conversation on the couch or in the kitchen. But do that, with lots of intense eye contact and close scrutiny, and he may retreat, be defensive, or clam up.

It's the old cornered-animal syndrome, and that won't facilitate the interchange you're after. So when the topic is serious or involved, initiate the conversation in the car. Side-by-side, the way you sit when you're taking the interstate to grandma's furry palace, means he'll feel less on the spot, more comfortable.

If he's behind the wheel, he's in control and feeling confident. If he's the passenger, he's got time on his hands. Either way, he'll listen - and say - more.

Ask for His Help

Women and men tend to talk about personal problems with different goals in mind. She tends to talk them out in order to simply be understood and maybe to engender some sympathy, while he may come into it with a strict handyman psychology: You got problems, I've got answers.

So she gets upset when he tries to fix her problems instead of sympathizing with her, and maybe accuses him of not fully listening. Then he gets upset for being stonewalled when he offers solutions.

It's true: Men need to be better at refraining from an "I got it" solution for every problem, but maybe women need to meet them half way, and make finding a solution part of the sympathy session. You're both happy if she fully vents, and he helps brainstorm a way out of the mess. A team approach here can work wonders. Believe or not, every guy wants to be considereda perfect partner, as this amusing and perceptive article points out.
Do it Naked

Yes, a good time to talk can be, indeed, right after the deed. It's one of the times he feels closest to his woman, and that's when he's most likely to feel a little more comfortable talking about deeper issues.

The lights are down, the bonding hormones are flowing, and you're a team. Like women who may feel less inhibited about their bodies in the darkness, men feel the same way with their words.

The love you've demonstrated physically just might spill over into kind-hearted considerations of the verbal variety. And the deeper the talk, the more you'll learn about each other. 

Have other ideas? Please share them here.

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON? By: Bo Sanchez

Believe it or not, I read a book from Bo Sanchez: How to Find your One True Love. It might sound desperate huh? But it actually helped me not only to find my true love but it also help me find myself. Cliche as is sounds but that book is great! 

I hope in time when a get married and get tired of my husbands introvertness (hehehe..) I will go back to this blog and read this. 


DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?
By: Bo Sanchez

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.  Here's the answer:

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely  natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the  imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But  after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all),  touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead  of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry  subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking,

"Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm  not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):
The Key To Succeeding in
Marriage Is Not Finding The Right
Person; It's Learning To Love The
Person You found!

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it  day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM.. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work. Make no
mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make yourmarriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and  apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . not just a feeling.